Soccer boundaries 2 - Ponderings

Driving home, Carl was torn apart between shock and confusion. Kathy? There was no pretending that Barb had said anything else. Barb would have thoughts that aren’t exactly stuck. She wouldn’t have flown from projecting teenager fantasies. She talked to Andrea and Kathy wouldn’t lie to her best friend. Barb had spoken with knowledge that such things happen. Why shoot the messenger?

Fathers can’t think about their child, can they? It’s not natural. Maybe it’s biologically natural, but it can’t happen. It’s not good! Everyone knows that. It’s just wrong to have sex together. Sex is something…

Nothing would happen because Carl knew it wasn’t right.

It’s so complicated. Sex is something…

Sure, Kathy might feel ready to be a woman, anyway, he recognized it, but she’s only 14, but why wouldn’t it be struggling with a 16-year-old boy with a license? He answered it before he got the question. The child believes in himself, in a future. She was supposed to look at the relationship. She probably already saw what a 16-year-old could return. Sure, he knew she was going to a backseat sooner or later, but maybe she wasn’t out to rush it.

What would she see in him? A father she could trust. She probably picked up that she could flirt with him, get his attention. She noticed his look when she was flying in a towel. She knew he’d laugh after he planted her good morning kiss. Sure, he admitted she saw someone who saw her as a young woman.

Was he pretty to her? Certainly not, as she saw too much of him. But how would she fit in her equation? He was safe.

At dinner that night, she was exactly the same. No dirty eyes or comment about being afraid of the dark. Conversation turned around the school choir. She wanted to leave. Fair enough, he realized, she made more of her own decisions.

But when Kathy ate peas and talked about tryouts for Junior Rally next year, he saw things he never noticed before. The vibrancy, the sweetest smile, the fuller face, the necklace. He admitted to seeing someone who wanted to know better at his own school days.

When she took a second aid of fried onions, he saw the cup of her bra. He probably saw his daughter’s bra that morning, but hadn’t really seen it. It wasn’t a consequence. Now it was very photographed, a very nice bra.

No, he told himself, it didn’t make him feel erotic. Her chest was just beautiful. He was her father, like Barb said. He looked again, it looked more like a rounder, fuller than it ever did. If he strangled against her while he opened the table, it would be soft.

It was soft.

And this was the first night.

The four weeks roller-coastered, Kathy signals more every day. He tried not to see it, but there they were. Not that he had not noticed Kathy’s emergency, but her sexuality was so obvious right now. Not just her feminineity, he realized, but her playful openness for him.

At least he had a friend to help him with it. Talk a little and it’s easier to get perspective. If Barb could tell him how to stop it, but Barb stood firm, let her think for himself. Butt in her world, tell her what she doesn’t have to think, scare her, and you know the rest, a stickhead with a bladder on his dick! Save your ventilation for me, pal. I have the time and what matters, I care.

_ She kisses me differently at breakfast. I can feel it. You know it’s not gonna happen, Barb. You know that.

“Tongue”? Hardly, right? Barb answered herself when she was sensitive. “Maybe she gets bigger lips or something. Kids get bigger sometimes by week. Kiss her back like a father should. But first brush your teeth.

_ “She leaves her panties on top of the laundry.” He didn’t see what color she had chosen when she revealed above her belt. Today they were her pale blue. She was looking for the grapefruit juice when he saw it.

So dump the laundry in the machine. If you know how to tell her, her panties can see where she’s with her pills.”

How would you tell him, Carl’s wondering, but he didn’t ask. He couldn’t see anything else.

_ “She doesn’t even strap her bra half the time.”

Barb gave him her look. So you’re saying, “Here girl, let me snoop around with your belt”? God no! Don’t let your nose get stuck in there."

_ “Maybe I don’t know how to show her that I love her. She doesn’t want the sex to prove it.”

“What I know is you’re the father Kathy needs.”

When Kathy acted like he stole his hat after practice, he grabbed her and he might have been removed. It was definitely an accident, an elbow maybe. But that boy is so smart. He felt her chest with his forearm, accidentally slid over it and they went back down, but he didn’t tell Barb that part.

“You weren’t hard or anything, were you?” In Barb’s unbeaten mode, like they’d spoken about erections before. Of course not. “But after?” She kept going. First of all, no. “It would be normal if hell,” she concluded, but then she added, “Plus who remembered that,” but not pursue it.

When Carl washed too much on the sideline, the girls ran 20 times without a liquor store, Kathy would rub his neck for dinner. She knew he liked it enough that sometimes she wouldn’t even let him beg about muscle cramps. Her fingers can relax a few layers. Is this okay?

Your neck? Barb twisted it like a trainer maybe. “I think so. You think she’s planning to go lower? When those fingers run, you ask me about the card?

She laughed, “Tell you what, when Kathy starts to get fresh, you come to me and I’ll beat you off for a while.”

_ A chest showed sometimes when Kathy was wearing pyjamas. Hers was a young women’s addict, not wide as Wendy’s motherhood had become. Bigger diameter for a baby’s target, Carl expected, would be the Darwinian statement. He was trying to figure out the scientific part.

Barb said Kathy’s breasts were perfectly normal, that this was the age when the nipples came out more. He noticed that, too.

Shower made Kathy’s plague clear. She left the door open, suggested someone needs to pee. He wouldn’t go in, of course, but he knew the slide wall wouldn’t stop much.

When he finally sweated, “Dad, is that you?” She asked from behind the glass. It’s okay. It’s foggy, she assured.

He almost withdrawn, but instead he shook, “Please brush my teeth.” He wasn’t planning on hanging, though he’d thought enough about Kathy’s dilemma asking him to do her shoulders. Thank God not. While she was away from the partition, he could show the flesh from her figure. It was too foggy to really see, but between her legs, it was dark.

“Stop the door, Dad. It leaves in the cold.” He panicked.

When he confessed to Barb, she was inevitable. “Stay your slimy ass out of that bathroom. She’s not safe yet.”

_ Sometimes father and daughter watched TV - “Mash,” sometimes a movie. If the movie had an actor who served a bare actress, why the channels made money, Carl recommended, Kathy wouldn’t pretend he wasn’t watching while Carl pretended to be deaf. It wasn’t porn because maybe the conspiracy about a writer’s life was just a life that was included with breathtaking disturbance. He listened to the sounds, knowing she saw the picture.

“Can you see their organs?” Barb asked if the actors played for a church service. No. Being Mr. Censor would tell Kathy to look at X valued to her friends, Barb agreed. Let the child be honest about her curiosity.

_ “Barb, this is a little weird, but it’s just Kathy and I in our house. I could just be in her room or something. Or she could get into mine. If something like this happened and her pill isn’t working…

So don’t go in there and check her window, or whatever, Barb clearly thought. “Don’t tell her there’s something more comfortable when she rubs your neck. You have a bank.”

_ Watching the TV together suggested a less-passive challenge to Carl. Sometimes Kathy drifted off and sometimes she was almost against him.

Like that time at the hotel, Carl, Barb remembered when the girls woke me up. Maybe. I bit you a little bit that you’re not surprised, but honestly, you’re a gentleman. So be like Kathy, okay?

He said there were no teammates to call.

“Carl, did you touch her?” Just where his hand was on her side. “That’s all?” Maybe a little more. “Have you been in touch?” No, he was inevitable. He didn’t add how his hand split up her gut from where it was so easy to slip into her clavicle. But he didn’t. He didn’t know what it would have been like if she was in a shirt with buttons. He thought one or two would come loose.

“Shit fire!” Barb started when she read Carl’s mind. She could have woken up! Like she’s wondering about sex and she wakes up with dad squeezing her tit! Damn it. Carl, you want me to run you? Then stay together. Don’t scare her! You could go to prison and fuck your ass!”

Barb was spooked, he could see it. She told him she knew he’d do it and found out here. She how good she was. Is she surprised? It seemed odd for Carl, but not high on his “solving” list.

But Barb was more than guidance about not being seduced.

When Carl felt all messed up when Barb was doing her best coaching. It was usually pretty simple. Women are frustrated. Men get frustrated. Same. We’ll handle it. We need to clear our systems. Shit, if the two of us decided to be loved, we would. But we have the boundaries we agreed on. You and Kathy, too. She’s not ready, the pill. You’re still handling it, but maybe more alone. Shit, that’s how we’re closed. You don’t tell me no bullshit, but blink your eyes or something, I know.”

The two laughed. Barb admitted, “You’re not going blind or anything.”

PLAYOFF

“Carl, we need to talk.” Coach and assistant Coach were on the sideline, the girls saw their last round. They practiced well.

This was playtime, Carl knew, the real one. Barb didn’t want to talk about a soccer game. Kathy was ready, her choice is too obvious. But himself? It wasn’t about being able or wanting. God, he did! He went to sleep too much to imagine Kathy. She pulled him to her on the couch. She’d strip. Naked, she crawls on his lap, confronted, presses her breasts, virginity, locks him up. She’d be in charge, like Barb said. When his seed satisfied her, they kissed. Carl would get lost in fullness of it. Well done. She’s so happy.

But he still wanted Barb to fix his solution. To make sure he’ll do well, be a loving father. To tell him it’s for Kathy again. Barb knows.

“I’m ready,” he agreed. “I love the child, but I needed these weeks to get here, too. Like you said, I’ll let her decide our pace. Maybe we’ll just start hugging.”

Barb spoke slowly. “Carl, it’s like the grass is listening. Can we go somewhere? Go to a bank where some gardens are behind.

“Yes. The two swamps with the team and sat down. It’s time, right? She told Andrea it’s time.”

“No, Carl. She’s not.”

No?

She stopped the pill and doesn’t sleep with you.

Isn’t she? Carl felt the void before he could deny it. She didn’t want that?

Barb took his hand to warm it up. She knows she’s too young.

She’s almost 15. Lots of countries, that’s when they get married.”

“She’s not here, I think.” Barb rubbed the back of his knuckles. You okay?

“I think,” a mumble.

You’re gambling. Carl, you fucking think? Look at me. You’re ready to cry."

No, I’m not.

“Be stupid and act like a statue. You want Kathy to take you down on your fucking couch! You think I haven’t been anywhere?

“I don’t know… It’s just she’s so ready.”

Like you’re not? Like you’re waking him up. Like who seduces?

Does she still love me?

“Shit yes. She’s not ready. Maybe she should wait for someone her age, Barb suggested. “Sex isn’t working, it’s regular shit, Carl.”

Oh, God, Barb. It worked, Kathy and I, you know, together.”

He heard her moaning. But she didn’t let go of his hand.

A minute ago, he built a life around Kathy. Maybe it would seem odd, father and daughter living together, but people would get used to it. They’d have their two rooms. Maybe they can have a baby and say she adopted it. Consummation would lead to anything.

Nothing now. When he was divorced, at least he had a little girl to plan for. What now? A teenager who gives him a fly-by kiss and runs to meetings.

Like it’s suddenly lonely? Barb interrupted his mind. But Carl, it’s not over when a friend’s still here.”

He looked better at his companion. She was close. “That’s you. You were with me, he realized. She even looked like Kathy.

“Kathy did the job, who you almost made love with. You have to make love, Carl, a lover, over and over again. You do. I’m not Kathy, but I’m me.”

You’re you.

A kiss was how they sealed it.

Barb looked up, back then, look at that, Carl. You see that basketball hoop? He looked. You know, Carl, my dad was my basketball coach. She was just thinking. “And Mrs Griffin, we called her Claire, was his assistant. So it was different than now, but it was the same.

And I loved my father. Maybe it was a stupid decision, but maybe not. Anyway, it was my choice. Then I fucked my way out of every border that was ever there, but at least I found out.

“And dad and Claire must be lovers. It must have been at a barbecue or something where I saw them wander to the garage, and I was sure. There they were, holding hands, just like us. I’ve known the rest. Claire’s now my stepmom, lighting up at the outcome.

Like I said, Barb returned to personal, I messed things up for myself, hadn’t found out about boundaries. We always have them.” She raised his hand and showed him her eyes. “But a few yards wider, maybe?”

Carl reflected. “How should I know?”

“I’m not your coach, maybe a partner.”

Carl nodded, paused and squeezed her hand. Why me?

Because we’re teammates for a long time, good teammates. He always wanted her to laugh, not expect more of him than he could do, but maybe he asked more than he proved sometimes.

But, almost forgot about Kathy, you never saw me play.

“So we’re just trying,” her hand rests behind his elbow and look around. “Maybe not here.”

Without letting himself doubt his instincts, “One-on-one”? His call.

Barb reached behind him, as if for an invisible object, and Carl was still her chest drug over his arm. “Shit! We had that damn border somewhere, but it just escaped. I think it turns up, do you? She explained it, didn’t need an answer.